I describe my deconstruction journey like riding a roller coaster in three phases- phase one starts off with getting into the roller coaster, gearing up for the ride, and slowly approaching the top, not really sure what to expect. I strapped into the ride feeling worn out, needing answers, relief from the thoughts that consumed me.
What better way to get relief than reading self help books?
These first 3 books were the beginning of my soul searching roller coaster ride. Each one taking me closer to ‘the drop’. (not knowing how big of drop was coming)
The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene' Brown.
Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embrace who you are.
Whether it be religious conditioning or society in general, I always felt the pressure to be perfect, be above reproach, and hyper-vigilant of my behavior. It was more than just following certain rules, displaying a ‘heart for Jesus’- it was training up to be the godly ‘good’ woman and hustle for worthiness.
I found myself striving to be the good girl who promised so many things, such as: approval, safety, and belonging- as well as repressed unmet expectations, anxiety, stress, and eventually burnout.
I slowly came to the end of my good girl rope. I came across this book and it started the trajectory of loosening my grip on trying to be perfect, trying to manage other people's perceptions of me, and practicing more authenticity (imperfection) into my life.
2. Faith Unraveled by Rachel Held Evans
How a girl knew all the answers, learned how to ask questions.
At the time, I had never felt so seen and understood in a book than I did with Rachel's memoir. Rachel and I had many parallels in our story; coming from conservative towns, priding ourselves in knowing the answers, spending time overseas in ‘mission work’, feeling confused by the American church and its theology, and wondering if doctrine and being ‘right’ was more important than faith and love alone.
You can feel the gut wrenching emotions she was going through, trying to make sense of her questions. Though Rachel continued to identify as a believer in the end, her honesty and bravery of challenging her fundamental cultural environment gave me the peace and confidence I was looking for. I was not alone, and I certainly was not the first to be having a faith crisis. Instead of feeling like I needed to follow someone else's conclusions, I had the liberation to evolve and form my own understanding. But where do I start?
Clickity-clack… the coaster goes up the track!
3. The Bible Tells Me So by Peter Enns.
Why Defending Scripture Has Made Us Unable to Read It.
I was never looking to NOT be a ‘believer’ anymore. I was challenged to make sense of theology, where we get certain doctrine; I couldn't bypass the fact that scripture is often misused and abused.
Peter Enns' writing gave me a better understanding of how to view the Bible, and the history behind certain books in the Bible; I believe his agenda was for his readers to deepen their relationship to God through scripture by not trying to defend theology so fiercely and treat scripture ‘as is’. However, my biggest takeaway is that it’s not a guide on how to do life and it is not something to master. Scripture can be interpreted however anyone wants and sees fit; so if that was the case, why was I trying so hard to make sense of it? Was I living under someone else's translations and man-made rules?
Those last two questions then launched me into phase 2 of the roller coaster- The Drop. But that’s another story. ;)
So tell me, what books started your soul-searching journey (or spiral)?
