I’m Not a Christian Anymore.

There’s no easy way to say this, a part of me wants to try to soften the potential blow, or any hurt I may cause with my words, but as I fight the urge to care what others think or take responsibility for people’s feelings, I just have to come out and say it. 

I no longer consider myself a Christian. I am leaving the label of being an evangelical, born-again, Jesus follower/believer.

In February I wrote about how Leaving Church Is Not A Trend Or Movement. in an attempt to try to explain this to Christians who were not listening to people’s stories or dismissing the validity of individual choice. Anyone who follows me on Instagram has seen some of my take on the issues with theology, church culture, and words from pastors or church leadership. A few weeks ago I delivered news that I am on a new career path, Life Coaching for Religious Recovery and Spiritual Abuse. Though it could be obvious to some where I stand on the matter with my beliefs, I also purposefully didn’t specifically say where I am with my faith journey. I wasn’t ready to give full disclosure on a public forum for anyone to read, it felt safer to talk about some of these things while still hiding behind the curtain that I appear to still be a Christian. I wanted to give the illusion that I went through a faith transition of letting go of some of the fundamental, rigid, black and white thinking and way of life, but to be rest assured that I still believed in Jesus. I did that because it felt safe to pretend.

In order to be loved, respected, or not lose friendships I masked myself. I was living inauthentic in fear that if I really said what I believed, the backlash would come, I would be disapproved of, people would feel hurt by my choice, and that I was bad for making others feel sad or worried for me. (side-note: that’s a sign of codependency from religion).
But honestly, I think I may be thinking too highly of myself that people care that much of what I believe, but the other part I had to weigh was- what carries more hardship? Living in disguise and behind the mask or living authentically in my full expression? If I am to do this work of being a Religious Recovery Coach and helping others to be themselves, then I myself need to do the thing that scares me the most- being honest. 

In the past, if I had heard that anyone turned away from Jesus I assumed it was that they were angry. That they must not have known the love of Jesus in the first place and they just wanted to keep sinning and not turn their life over to God. As I have come to my personal choice of leaving the church, I am gutted with my judgment and dismissing someone’s truth. 

What started out as just simply wondering if maybe certain rules were actually man made and not god ordained, quickly then opened up to understanding the anxiety I had endured for years from indoctrination and the physical manifestations it had on my body resulting in trauma. As I continued to fight for my faith, stay in the church, crying out to God to help me in my unbelief I endlessly searched for proof, digging for truth and understanding of how I can still fit this into my life. But to no avail. 

My cognizance that I no longer believed then was filled with grief, loss, and dealing with the residual effects of trauma. 

I know that no church is perfect, nor is any human in any religious leadership. My declaration of no longer being a Christian stems further than just a negative experience. There is a difference between negative experiences and trauma. I am not leaving because of a couple of negative experiences or because I claim there is no god. I’m leaving because as a result of trauma, and indoctrination I can no longer have a healthy relationship with religion or Christian practices.  

While my story is unique to me on many levels, I have discovered that I am not alone in my journey. The details may be different for each person, but the underlying factors appear to be very similar across the spectrum of those who have made the decision to walk away from their held beliefs in God, Christianity and the life they had before.  With that said I will continue to share my journey of how I came to being a super devoted follower of Christ to not being one. I am intrigued by the idea that sharing my experiences could potentially help someone feel related to, or understood, just as the level of vulnerability from others helped me get through the hardest work of my life. 

Though I do not owe anyone an explanation of what I believe now, I will say this: I think faith, spirituality and connection with God are a beautiful thing, I myself still hold my own faith and spirituality. I have just come to an awareness that sometimes the Christian church, or the body of Christ actually acts more like a system or an operation, and for that reason and more, I can no longer be a part of it. 

My blog is called Series of Expansion because that’s exactly what it will be. A series of sharing my personal experiences that expanded my heart, mind and soul and broke me out of the mold I was trying to fit into. I hope you follow along and take away something good.

As always, thank you for reading and I’m here for anyone who may need to chat. 

Sincerely,

    The Exvangelical.